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Skateboarding

Tony Hawk and Tony Hawks are not the same person.

hawk-s

Tony Hawk is an American whizz kid skateboarding champion, whilst I am a startlingly good-looking British male model. So why the confusion? Yet, each week I receive email from young people from all over the world congratulating me on my skateboarding prowess and asking advice on how to do various manoeuvres.

Below are some emails I have received and my rather mischievous replies. Click on the question to see my replies listed below them.

hi tony my names william i was wandering if you could find me some cheats for "Tony Hawks pro skater 3" because i have tried some websites and i cant find any that work soif you can do that i'll be ever so grateful thanks WILLIAM

William,

The best 'cheat' is to go to a store, find Pro Skater 3 and then leave the shop without paying for it. If they catch you, just say that I said it was OK.

TH

PS. Remember that prison life can be hard.

Hi tony my name is justin coon. I skate too. your my biggest fan. I want to meet yo some time. so how your kids, and hows your neck. well bye know.

Justin,

I must make this clear: I am not your biggest fan. I don't know you from Adam, and the chances are that if I did, I would still find you a somewhat unimpressive figure.

TH.

Tony u is my number 1 fan I love the sk8ing you rox I loved the 9000 wot u did when r u coming to wigan I want to see u demo in wigan soon can I have ur autograph?

I am not your number one fan and I'm certainly not coming to Wigan. 

TH

To the legend Tony Hawk, My name is Danny Collazo from kerrville tx, I found out that your foundation helped build a skate park in our town in 2007, thank you for this act of kindness. On July 26,2014 the city is having a competition, is there any way you could help with prizes, such as stickers, grip tape, or cool things like that for the kids, or maybe come visit the competition, that would blow this town away... Any help would be amazing, thanks in advance, your disciple Danny.

Dear Danny 

What do I have to do to keep the people of Kernville off my back? I've already built a ruddy big skate park, now you want stickers and grip tape. Look, I hardly have any grip tape left. If I give my last bit to you then what will I have to grip with?  I'm not sure if my visit would - as you say - blow your town away - but with interest I will watch to see if the path of the next big tornado to hit the US does its bit to satisfy your self destructive longings.  Yours, with a strong grip 

Tony

Ps. You're not my disciple. Jesus had disciples and look what happened to him. And to be fair, he had actually met his disciples. I have not met you, and I'm both confident and hopeful that I can keep it that way. 

i am an indian n i love how u doo skatebording plzz open some kind of place i n india where skateboarding  can be done....  or any kind of place where i can doo skateboarding shitij

Shitij 

First of all I hope your name isn’t ‘Ij’ and the first part a pre-fix. Thank you for your request for me to open a skateboarding place somewhere in India. I’m no expert, but I understand that India is quite a big place with a not altogether efficient transport infrastructure, so I admire your seeming indifference as to where I open this ‘skateboarding place’. If I ever do get around to it (which would need me to get over a severe case of ‘I really can’t be arsed’) I do hope that you don’t have to travel longer than 24 hours to get there or it might take the zip out of your olly – as we hip dudes like to say in the game. 

Tony

dear tony, I playing ur game and see dat you don't look the sam in the games as you site. i tink you are hott. do yuo wear a mask? i think you are the best. i can olly and on my skat bord i can also do an olly bone-to-bone cornbread. i want to know if you can cum to howse and jump on my ramp and then we go for ice-creem and walk along the beech and wach the sun set. irie love Billy Sixx p,.s can u make a rollerblading game so is can play too games and not won.

Dear Billy, 

If I came to your house, jumped on your ramp and then went for an ice cream and a walk along the beach to see the sunset, you have absolutely no idea how much trouble I'd get into.

TH

hi tony! cool u pleaze provide me with a crack 4 ur game? you rule man!!! you really rule a lot!! gracias amigo! Pakito.

Pakito,

I would happily supply you with some crack if I could get hold of any.

TH

PS. I don't rule that much. Only in Ecuador and a small island off Denmark. (I like to think of myself as a benevolent dictator)

HEY TONY I'M ERIK ALLISON,I LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN CALLED LONE TREE IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT WHY IT'S CALLED LONE TREE E-MAIL ME BACK AT erik*****@mchsi.com, NOW THE REAL REASON I E-MAILED YOU WAS BECAUSE I WANTED TO ASK YOU WHERE YOU GOT THE IDEA FOR "The 900", AND HOW YOU DO IT.ONCE AGAIN MY E-MAIL ADRESS IS erik*****@mchsi.com.

Hi Eric, Lone Tree is an excellent name for a town. But only if it has one tree. If it has two then we'd all feel cheated. Can you wander round and have a check? When I'm satisfied there's just the one tree I'll answer your other queries.

TH

DEAR TONY HAWK I LIKE SKATEBOARDING TO. I THINK YOUR AWESOME. CAN I HAVE YOUR AUDAGRAPH? AUSTIN

Dear Austin,

You can have my Audagraph just as soon as we can get it fixed and running properly. As you will be aware, the Audagraph is a complex piece of machinery and needs constant oiling and I'm afraid that I have been rather remiss with this of late. 

TH

Hello. Im a fan of yours becuase my friend called Chris knows you.Do you know him?He lives in london.I live in england,melton keyens. From a fan named James

James,

There must be some mistake. There are no people in London called Chris. I went out all day yesterday and asked around. Very disappointing. No 'Chris'es at all. 

Perhaps you've got me mixed up with the Uruguayan politician Chesney Hawkes?

TH

Hey Tony, I just saw u on an epsidode of the Simpsons. What are really would liek to no is if it was really u speaking or someone who sounds like u. The other thing s if u cn actually do the moves n real life like u did on the simpsons. Presuming u seen the episode of u in it to no what moves you did. Obviously u are gud on the half pipe but can u do a full pipe like u did on the Simpsons. Thanks Tyler

Hi Tyler

I didn’t see that episdode of the Simpsons because I was smoking my pipe, and I’m smoking it again now. And I can tell you it is a full pipe. I can’t remember whether I did the voice on the show but this may because of what is in the pipe. Got to go now as I have the munchies.

Tony